Cabin Dwarf: Quarantine
by Hatman-and-Robyn
Summary: The Boys from the Dwarf encounter a small passenger vessel and decide to investigate.


**Disclaimer: **_I Do not own any of the Red Dwarf or Cabin Pressure characters/objects etc. Therefore making this a simple Fan Story ^_^_

**Authors Note: **This is the first crossover story I've ever written, so I hope I didn't do too badly!_  
_

_**- **__This story is based **During**__ Season One of Red Dwarf. So Before Kryten turns up._

_- In this story, Cabin Pressure, is now a "Airline" in space. Instead of MJN Air (My Jet Now) they are now MSN Air (My Ship Now). Same Crew Members, but now they're from the same time period as the Boys from the Dwarf. _

_All reviews and constructive criticism is welcome. I'm sorry if there are any spelling or grammar mistakes, I'm not going to make excuses, apart from sometimes I fail at things like that ^_^_

**Warning:** At the moment this story is pretty ok, but I can't promise there won't be smut, violence or angst in later chapters._  
_

* * *

**Chapter One: Mayday **

A grimy looking man in his mid twenties, wearing food stained clothes and a leather cap with a faux fur trim sat in the drive room of the ship Red Dwarf. His mud encrusted boots resting heavily on what appeared to be a piece of vital equipment. He had a carton of what resembled luminous orange curry resting on his pot belly, as he chewed on a particularly tough piece of chicken, his free hand absentmindedly played with one of the long dread locks poking out the back of his cap. His eyes occasionally wandered over the control panel, when suddenly something caught his eye.

"Holly, what's that red flashing light?" a thick scouse accent interrupted the silence.

The black screen next to the man lit up almost immediately, revealing the face of a balding middle aged man. He frowned at the other, before speaking; "What flashing light?"

Holly was the ships computer. Back in his day he had boasted an IQ of 6,000. But after three million years on his own, it was debatable whether this was the case any longer. And the remaining crew of Red Dwarf, all seemed pretty much in agreement that Holly was a little bit on the peculiar side, but for the most part they humoured him.

"That one there, on the Navi-Comp?"

"Oh that one! It means we're in close proximity to another ship".

"Another ship? Holly why didn't you say before?"

"Didn't see it until now, must have been looking out the other window" the computer said offhandedly.

"What kind of ship Holly?" the scouse said, trying to hide the frustration in his voice.

"S'from Earth, looks like a little passenger vessel. Wouldn't hold too much hope out for it being occupied though Dave".

"Can we get a lock on? Bring her into the hold?"

"I'll give it a go Dave"

* * *

"Err, Martin. I might be wrong, but that rather big ship looks like it's about to engulf us. This makes me, afraid of that ship..."

"Douglas, could you _please _just lay off the jokes for 5 minutes. I am fully aware of our predicament!"

"Right... Well do you plan on doing anything about it, because I personally feel that might be a _super _idea?"

"Douglas would you please just shut up!"

*Beep*

"Erm... Skip, mum and I were just wondering. Did you mean to try and fly inside of that ship?"

"No Arthur... I Didn't".

*Beep*

Martin sighed heavily and began to massage his temples between his fingers. His captain hat sat off centre on his head. He'd obviously knocked it in his frustration, and had yet to rectify its position. Allowing for a few strawberry blond curls to poke out from underneath. His frown lines became more apparent as he stared at the ship growing increasingly closer to their own. He honestly had no idea what to do, and in desperation turned his chair to Douglas and simply mouthed the word "help".

Douglas smiled at him. His grey hair slicked back in a professional style under his own hat. He didn't seem at all ruffled. In fact he looked like he was quiet enjoying Martin's panic.

"You didn't say 'Simon says help'" he smirked at Martin.

Being pelted by a piece of cheese left over from the cheese tray was as always, totally worth it in Douglas's mind.

* * *

"It's aliens. I'm sure of it!"

"Shurrup Rimmer. It's from earth. How can it be aliens?" the scouse combated.

"Maybe they stole the ship? It is possible you know!"

"Alright Rimmer. If you say so!"

Dave Lister rolled his eyes and shook his head. He knew it had been a bad idea to wake the Hologram up, but Holly had insisted that there was safety in numbers. Just in case there were any hostile life forms on the vessel. Not that Rimmer would be any use if a fight broke out, no he'd be out of their quicker than any of them, even Cat. Rimmer was obsessed with aliens, and if he hadn't been composed entirely of light, Lister would have smacked him round the back of his curly haired, lanky, head.

A few moments later the aforethought Cat turned up, he was wearing a sequined gold suit, with matching shoes, and his hair slicked back into a neat pony tail, where the hair was then arranged into a single perfect curl. As he approached the other two he made a loud "Mreeeow" noise, and declared that he was in fact looking fearsome.

"Cat, why are you all dressed up? There might not even be any women on board, and even if there are. Who say's they'll be interested in you?" Lister said trying to suppress a smirk.

"You think they're gonna pick you over me? Boy you are stupid monkey man!" the cat cackled in reply.

"Would both of you shut up? I don't want the alien's first impression of us to be... Well you two!" Rimmer interjected.

"Calm down _Ace_. That's assuming there's any life in there at all"

"Shut up Lister" Rimmer repeated, hoping that maybe this time he would listen, "And we would have known by now if you hadn't bunged up the scanner with your smegging Vindaloo" he added callously.

"Depressurization the hold is complete dudes" echoed the disembodied voice of Holly.

"Cheers Hol!" Lister smiled "Come on, let's go check it out!"

* * *

"Well if it helps Martin, it's one of our ships. It's from earth. Pretty outdated model though. I didn't think they still made mining ships like this" Douglas said, trying to offer a tiny bit of comfort towards the captain, feeling he'd tormented him enough for one day.

"So you're sure it's not aliens?" Martin said, looking a little relieved.

"Oh Martin, do grow up! Of course it's not bloody Aliens. You sound Just like Arthur!"

There was a tentative knock on the door to the flight deck, "Can I come in Skip?" said a shy voice.

"Yes... You can come in Arthur" Martin said with a sigh.

The door opened, and in came Arthur, a look of concern plastered all over his face. He looked cautiously around before addressing both of the pilots.

"Erm... Have we been abducted by aliens?"

"I rest my case" muttered Douglas before turning to the other man "No Arthur; we've not been abducted by aliens. This is an earth mining ship. And it's probably just been some misunderstanding. Once they depressurize their hold, I'm sure we can sort this whole mess out".

"Oh. Ok, that's good" he nodded "Because being abducted by aliens certainly wouldn't be brilliant"

* * *

"What does that say on the side of the ship...? G-E-R-T-I? What kind of stupid name is that?" Lister said, brushing his hand over the writing on the side of the ship.

"It's probably alien. It'll stand for something like... Something like... Well something really intelligent!"

"Yeah, alright Rimmer. If you say so".

"Would you two stop talking and open that door? Those _fine_ females won't be getting any younger you know!"

"Hold your horses Cat! We've got to wait for the final all clear from Holly..."

As if on cue the disembodied voice of the ships computer echoed through the hold "its safe dudes!"

Lister took a deep breath, and urged on by Rimmer and the cat, he grabbed the handle of the door to the ship pushing and twisting it till it clicked open. There was gush of escaping air as Lister gingerly opened it, and came face to face with an older woman with greying hair.

"And what do you think you're doing with my ship?" she said haughtily.

"Aliens!" Rimmer breathed in excitement.

"Aliens? My you are a funny little man..." she said eyeing Rimmer up and down "I am not an alien, and neither are my crew. We're human. And we'd like to know why you felt the urge to effectively kidnap or ship?"

Behind Lister, Cat was scowling at the back of his head. "I told you they weren't getting any younger" he hissed.

The woman frowned at Cat for a moment, but decided it best to ignore him. They were already running late as it was to pick up their next fair, tanks to Martin getting lost, and she didn't want to be held up any longer by a group of misfits who were apparently even more incompetent than her own.

Lister towed the ground with his boot, looking a little embarrassed. "Sorry, it's just you're the first earth vessel we've come across in... well a very long time. We brought you aboard so we could investigate".

The woman raised an eyebrow at Lister before speaking; "Well, my name is Carolyn Knapp-Shappey. This is my ship GERTI. We're a small commercial passenger vessel for MSN Air, and we are currently very late to pick up our next client. I hope that's enough for you to 'investigate'. Now will you please let us go?"

At this point, Rimmer interjected "Actually. Our ships policy is that any new people coming aboard from an unidentified source, must spend a minimum of 6 weeks in quarantine..."

"What?" Carolyn exclaimed.


End file.
